Today I missed You...

by Ashley J Smith
(Namibia)

Today I missed you like the lie my grandmother told me about Santa Claus;
The bleach I drank to fake an illness so that I could stay out of school;
And the aloe taste in my mouth after I spinned myself into a lump on the grass in my neighbour's harden at nine.

Today I missed you like the rain which could take away the bone-chilling cold on the Gauteng Highveld;
The nights I stared at the blanket of stars caressing our backyard;
And the way my favourite baby cousin used to gurgle when I tickled his chin.

Today I walked across to the coffee shop near the place we kissed for the first time and I almost stumbled across a bergie;
Today I told myself all the lies I could think of to convince myself I don't care;
I fought a cut so deep - that feeling that somehow you infected me with a virus that fries my brain every day;

Today I missed you like the control I used to have over my emotions and tears before you entered;
I missed you like the journey a salmon must take to die and let his species live... And when he lies in shallow water spluttering to his end he dreams of something more than himself;

Today I walked in the centre of Cape Town with a well-kept smile on my face and visited the places I frequent each day...
But there was something different...

Today I missed you like an ache in my heart I need to feel so I know I'm alive;
Today for no reason I want to remember my eyes flooded in rivers of tears for something which is beyond my fragile fumbling hands...

Just like the day I tied and twisted myself in sticky cords when I made love to you...

But also today I took your advice and told myself that missing you is okay...
And that I should stop plunging porcupine quills under the nail-line of my mind...

Today I decided to give you an opportunity to miss me... BYE

By Ashley J Smith