LOVE CROWNED WITH THORNS

by Barbara Ann
(Virginia)

Love crowned us.
Sparkling, golden, bejeweled crowns
Heavy with connection, intimacy, passion,
We feasted at Love’s banquet table
Side by side, looking deep into each others eyes
Serving each other…Feeding each others souls, bodies, hearts, and minds.
When we shared our soulmate feast with others,
They watched in awe and admiration.
I felt proud. I knew it to be Real.
We gave them hope…Real Love can exist…
I am witnessing this in my presence.
WE showed, and said this to our children, “You too can find this for yourselves
one day…and this is my greatest prayer for you!”
This is my greatest prayer for even my enemies, for if they experienced
This kind of love, they would truly
Be making Love not war.

Then one night our crowns of gold and jewels turned into crowns of thorns.
Sharp points crammed down into my scalp.
Bright red blood pricked, into pierced skin
Crimson trickling down my face.
Heart bleeding amidst shocked salt tears
LOVE abandoned
Turned away
Rejected.
Absolutely everything completely given/Gifted
So excellent…So matched….
but not good enough apparently?

My hands that once caressed your warmth…
…created your pulses…
Spooned, held, and nurtured your body in my arms
…my hands that touched every inch of your hot
Sweaty skin that housed your wondrous soul…and life spirit that I adored…
My hands that expressed and gifted my Love to you
With all their intensity and patience at times….
…My hands have gaping holes.
…My hands have gaping bloody holes..
…bloody and twitching with pain and agony
Unable to touch or gift to another man
Unable to trust love.
Questioning the “promise” of the “forever” bond
…WE made with each other…………..
…To know ONLY the glory of each other’s skin forever…
And celebrating Not wanting variety again…or so I thought.
…My hands ache with too much anguish
And distrust.
Bloody marks would be left on others
If I touched them now.

…My feet that used to run to you and leap into
Your excited arms…
…My feet that used to stand tip toe to stretch my lips and tongue to yours
And press/meld my body into yours.
…My feet that used to walk the sandy beaches
And streets of any place we’d call Home
Because we were WITH each other…
Always next to each other…. Our body chemistry pulsed together
And chemically ignited…just holding hands.
My feet now bloody the sheets we used to share.
…Gaping holes…deep wounds that rise up
Through my core from the earth.
I trusted the Love of the earth mother goddess
…that I believed that she gifted you to me…
I expected “forever”
I was wrong.
Now my feet cannot stand firm….from the pain.
The anguish of this blood loss makes me crumble to my knees………
I am brought low in this dark night of the soul…..
I am brought down to my knees…………
And I pray to God and the Goddess….for guidance
……for meaning
……for explanations
……to my myriad of questions…..
……searching in the darkness for life lessons…
……desperate.

My body that used to KNOW your every cell…
Bonded to one another with Love, adoration, caretaking, commitment (or so I thought)
….My body that experienced the transcendent connection with you
The Prayer of thankfulness
To the Great Spirit
For refinding one another….
Each time we connected in Any form
….My body’s five senses that you gave me
Permission to explore
And celebrate fully…
……My entire body is NOW slashed and bloodied….
Wounded by your whips and scourges
Hard leather whips crack across…
My back…that you used to Love fucking
And my back you used to spoon around…….
…………naked skin on naked skin…………
Holding onto me through the night.
Now metal spikes slash into my flesh
Searing cuts and bruises that go into the depths of my soul.
(recently every time you Waited to get around to calling me back because I was such a minimal priority-reminding me of my lack of importance-or you would have worked to keep your verbalized and lived commitments to Us)

My tortured body dripping with blood,
Nailed to your cross of Love...
Expresses externally the core of me
And it’s pain
And red tears raining on my insides.

Good-bye my Love…….
My handsome centurion
Looking up at me crucified
Bleeding from you.

I am exhausted, trying to take my next breath.
I push up on feet of pain.
Crucified on your cross of Love
The Tree of Life cut down in its prime….
To be cross beams for this instrument of torture for us.
The same tree of life you once begged me to prune
To make room for you…to refind my LIFE.
You could not bear to lose me a second time…remember?!
I willingly pruned my tree at great cost
To make room for us
For a future WE were creating so beautifully together.
To be Home together.

I push up on my aching bloody legs
The long legs you used to adore
My nailed feet that used to snuggle for warmth alongside yours
….press up in agony now
For a gulp of air.
Will there be one more breath?
Or not?
You raise the sponge soaked in hyssop to my lips to revive me….
To be in anguish just a bit longer….
I refuse.
You used to offer my lips many better things

I will not settle for less from you.

Forgive him father for he knows not what he does.

Why oh why have you forsaken me?!

Into your hands I commend my spirit.

I am gone.

Darkness falls across your land.

Surely this was a priestess of the Goddess given to you.
…a gift of Real authentic Love….
To hold in your hand for a time….
To surround and nurture and adore you…
For a moment in this blessed life….
For the time you willed it to be…
……you turned your back.
……you walked away.

Then to be sure I was gone
You lanced my heart between my ribs
…and a river of blood and water
Poured forth.
Proving I was truly Gone.
Blood and water poured across my breast and nipple
(that we used to love you loving)
Red trails down my belly
Between my legs and down my long muscles
The blood and water dripping from my wounded feet
Onto and absorbed by the sandy soil
Of Mother Earth.
………and She welcomes me.
…….She welcomes me into Her.
She willingly takes my nutrients and gifts.
She knows true worthy Love
When She feels it.
She knows its joy and its anguish.
She created and lives the cycles we experience.
She now creates The Seed beneath her Earth
From the blood of authentic Love.

The seed lies dormant.
…under the dark cold ground….
…encased in its hard shell.
TIME passes….
Nout who swallows Ra the sun god at nights
Births him from between her legs of creation….
….earlier each morning.
He warms the day and the earth for longer hours
….before he enters her mouth at dusk.
…to be restored, rejuvenated, and reenergized
As he journeys through her nurturing core
To rebirth at daybreak….earlier….earlier…
Artemis dances her celebration of nature and
Life’s energy as rains fall warm
On spring time’s sandy soil.

The Great Creatrix whispers
To the seed of True Love,
Created from the celebration and pain of love….
She whispers to the seed encased in its
Impenetrable walls….
Dormant beneath the cold earth…..
She says…”It is Time”.
“Time to awaken”
“I warm you…I water you…I nurture you…I give you permission”
…………..”I am too afraid” breathes the seed
“I have body memories from the pain”
Reminds the Great Creatrix,……
“You have body memories of the pleasure”……..
Risk is contemplated…………
The terrified seed remembers all
……holds it all.
…….knows it all.
The seed feels the warmth and senses
The call of spring time.

The hard shell encasing cracks and bursts open almost against its will
Softened by the moisture of the hot rain
Gifted to the earth as Persephone is rebirthed
Brown tap roots entwine downward gripping
Mother Earth and establishing its system to
Nurture this new plant to life.
Bright springtime green leaves push
To the surface bursting forth from the ground
With a vibrant Life Force
that opens to the warmth of the bright sun of creation and celebration.
……..the flower stalk rises and grows
From the depth of despair
And opens its bright white smile.
A peace lily blossoms, open and receptive
To the sun, moon, the draught, and the rain storms of life.
Terrified of the risk, but bravely searching for another real Love
Of a true forever.
A rebirth of hope that a promise
Could be realized without personal blocks and walls.
……A peace lily blossoms against all odds.
Victory over loss, disappointment, betrayal, bloody torture, winter cold,
False promises, desert draught, crumbs from tables, cynicism, death………
…….A peace lily blossoms ….white, shinning, hopeful, warm, loving, appreciative of love and life’s gifts, energy force, nurturance, passion, heat, sweat, salt, tears, waves of moisture, and depth of sunshine…..
…..sparkling….

To open herself to the moment,
To experience the possibilities of Love….
In freedom, the peace lily
….celebrates her rebirth.